Carla Ondrasik is a motivational speaker, life coach and author of Stop Trying!: The Life-Transforming Power of Trying Less and Doing More. Her book, along with one-on-one sessions, workshops and keynote talks, inspire people to shift their mindset from passivity, anxiety and regrets to action, learning and achievement.

She served as the vice president of creative writer development for EMI Music. During her 25-year career in the entertainment industry, she placed hit songs with chart-topping artists and iconic performers, including Barbra Streisand, Johnny Mathis, Mariah Carey, Cher and Christina Aguilera. She lives in Southern California with her husband, musical artist John Ondrasik, who she discovered, signed and developed under the moniker Five for Fighting, known for soft-rock hits like Superman, 100 Years and The Riddle.

 

How did you get started in the music industry?

Meeting songwriter Stephen Geyer of the hit song Believe It or Not inspired me to get my husband’s songs on the radio. Although I knew nothing about the music industry, I bought a how-to book on music publishing and followed its recommendations. On my first attempt, I secured five appointments with publishers, and one of them got my husband’s song recorded.

I then got a job as a secretary for a small, independent music publisher, where I learned about contracts, met songwriters and immersed myself in the business. After several promotions and lateral moves to bigger and more established companies, I eventually landed at EMI Music, the biggest music publishing company in the world at the time.

 

Why did you write Stop Trying!?

I’ve always recognized the weakness of the word “trying” and how it sets you up to fail before you even begin. I wrote the book to make people aware that trying is ineffective and can even hurt us in all areas of our lives—health, happiness, career and relationships. Once you eliminate the word “trying”, the difference is instant. And once you apply it in your life, you can change everything and live more successfully.

 

Could you elaborate on the main premise of your book?

The dictionary defines “trying” as an attempt or an effort to do something. We believe trying is brave, that it’s a first step, but it’s merely a half-hearted attempt. There is no physical action for trying—it’s more of a mental exercise. You’re thinking or talking about a goal or writing it on a to-do list. In a car, you shift to neutral when you’re idling. Trying is like keeping your brain in neutral.

If somebody tells you to touch your nose, you’ll probably put your index finger on it—that’s “doing”. But what if someone tells you to try touching your nose? Do you put your finger on your nose or not? There is no action for trying. Our brain responds the same way when we think about trying—it’s a form of decision paralysis.

 

Why do we so frequently say, “I’ll try”?

Many reasons. We’re taught to try by our parents and teachers who say, “Try your best” or “Try harder.” Trying creates a safety net of excuses so you can say, “Well, I tried, but . . .” and fill in the blank. We also like to blame outside forces: “I tried, but they didn’t have that tool I needed.” When you do something, there’s a built-in accountability, but saying, “I’m going to try” removes any accountability.

We don’t fully commit because we fear failure. I had to confront my fear of success when I wrote this book. I’m 62 with grown kids—a successful book would require social media, a website, going on podcasts. I had to commit.

We say, “I’ll try,” because it’s hard to say, “No,” especially for women. Trying is also a clever form of procrastination. We say, “I’m trying to do it,” instead of admitting, “I’m going to procrastinate for six weeks” or “I’m never going to do it.” If someone says, “I’m trying to see the dermatologist” or “I’m trying to get a mammogram” and stays in that mode too long, they might miss a life-saving diagnosis. Trying to make an appointment without following through is self-deception—an elaborate cop-out.

Subconsciously, we know that trying isn’t the best choice. If you have driving-age kids, you don’t say, “Try to stop at stop signs.” You can’t try to pay your rent or you’ll be evicted. These examples are everywhere, yet we’re not fully conscious of them. I want to restore awareness so people can actually achieve these goals.

 

How can we make the switch from trying to doing?

At my local park, I asked a man who always wore headphones on his walks, “What are you listening to?” He replied, “Self-help audiobooks, because I have a lot I’m trying to get done.” Hearing “try” caught my attention, so I asked, “What’s one thing you’re trying to do?” He said, “I’m trying to get back into swimming because I need the exercise.” I told him, “Stop trying to swim and just swim.”

The following day at the park, he approached me excitedly, saying, “I did it! I swam! I didn’t try!” This perfectly illustrates what trying looks like—reading books, listening to podcasts, seeking motivation, thinking, worrying, talking, but not doing. Jumping into that pool transformed his life.

I’m not saying that when you stop trying success is guaranteed and all your dreams will come true. However, when you stop trying, you increase your chances of success. Taking action activates your brain. It’s neuroscience. You speak more assertively, sit up straighter and your eyes shine brighter. You become more confident and feel more motivated and positive.

“Doing” is diving into the deep end of the pool and figuring it out. If swimming a certain way isn’t working or you need a life preserver, you figure it out. Maybe you need to pivot. You may not know if it will work when you start, but that’s when you discover the best path. If you stay stuck in the trying place, you’ll never truly know. Don’t retreat when it gets uncomfortable or scary. Dive in.

 

Are you suggesting that taking action is empowering, even if we fail?

Absolutely. Taking action is empowering and exciting. Trying leaves you with regrets of things left undone. I’ve never written a book before, but I dove in and found the help I needed along the way. I kept going and figured it out. If I had come to a point where it was not realistic for me to finish the book, I could still walk away knowing I gave it my all.

 

How can we overcome our resistance to a more active lifestyle?

Perfectionism can keep us stuck in a cycle of trying. Don’t wait for the perfect time to start something because it’s never going to be the perfect time. Begin now. I suggest starting with something small and manageable. And when you complete it, feel proud of your accomplishment. That small action will motivate you to do the next task and the next, eventually tackling bigger goals and accomplishments. Also, learn to be comfortable with fear. Understand that feeling fear means you’re going to learn a lesson and discover the correct way to do it.

 

How can we turn “doing” into a habit?

The first step is to consciously understand that trying isn’t the best option. Notice how many times you say “try” and correct yourself. Take action, knowing that you’re improving your potential for success. And if you fail, you’re still a winner because you learned something and gave it your all.

Deciding not to do something is so much better than trying because you can stop thinking and worrying about it. If you’re stuck in try mode, you’re continually failing to do it, and that’s when the negative self-talk comes in. Making the decision not to do it removes all the excuses and negative self-talk.

If someone says, “I’m going to try to come to your fundraiser,” understand that they’re not going to be there. You might even ask them, “Will you be there or not?” so you can move away from that weird gray space.

 

How do you help someone during a one-on-one coaching session?

First thing I ask is, “What is your try? What’s the thing that you’ve been trying to do?” Then I follow up with, “Why are you not taking action?” Usually, the breakthrough happens there: “I’m afraid I’m going to fail, and I haven’t even given myself a chance to see if I can do it or not.” The next step is to do something—starting with a small, achievable action. If they’ve always wanted to be a painter, they’ll buy a small canvas and some watercolors and start painting.

We think that motivation comes first. People complain, “I just can’t get motivated. I’ve been trying so hard, but nothing is happening.” Actually, action comes first. When you start to do the thing, then you become motivated to keep going.

I had someone say, “I’ve been trying for years to repair my relationship with my sister.” But when I asked her to tell me what she had done, she said that they hadn’t spoken in years. I explained, “That’s called trying to have a good relationship with your sister. You have to make the phone call, take a flight, go to their doorstep, write the letter. You might fly across the country, and your sister may not let you in, but you get to walk away knowing you did everything you could. You showed up. It was their choice not to accept it, but now you can stop walking around carrying the weight of regret and half-hearted ruminations.”

 

How do we conquer anxiety?

The Zeigarnik Effect is the power of unfinished business or interrupted activity to hold a privileged place in memory. Uncompleted tasks weigh more heavily on the mind and are more easily recalled than completed tasks. Anxiety comes from making to-do lists because all those things you’re trying to get done are open loops, and the brain wants to close the loops—complete the tasks. But when they remain open, you’re giving energy to however many open loops you have.

For people that have long to-do lists, it feels like having all your home appliances running on full speed at the same time—the dishwater, blender, television and stereo. That’s a lot of noise. So, that list you’re going to try to complete—answering all your emails, doing the laundry, calling your sister back, sticking to your diet, planning a trip, finishing the report for work—your brain is expending constant energy on those open loops. The minute you complete one task, there’s relief. The brain doesn’t think about it anymore. You create more bandwidth to complete the next thing.

Close the loops. Finish your tasks. Start doing and executing and completing, and your brain will calm down. That’s one way to manage anxiety. Start small, chip away at a few easy things so you can realize how incredible it feels, and you’ll want to keep going.

 

Sandra Yeyati is national editor of Natural Awakenings.

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